We need to talk
I need to talk about my process, maybe it will help you.
I dealt with what I now realize was about 18 years of chronic pain. I thought it was less than that because it really got intense in my late 20s and even more after I had Thalia. But I realize now it was for much longer, just not as often in the earlier years. I released my chronic pain fully at the beginning of this year.
I had all the reasons that it would never go away, no doctor or chiropractor or physical therapy helped. Herniated disk, tilted tail bone, nerve damage and pain, my back randomly getting thrown out. I was beginning to accept my fate and assume I would live out my days and die in Excruciating pain. Somehow I felt I deserved it. I was depressed for way longer than that. Suicidal at times. And something I didn’t know until this year was that I had really bad anxiety.
It’s taken quite a bit of effort and energy but I was able to transmute all of it. Turning pain to power. I had to de program and re program myself. I had to to open up and connect to the source creator within, I had to love myself more than anything.
I found it take 2 weeks to reprogram the subconscious. Our subconscious is the main character until you learn to be otherwise. And I’m still working on being more present than my subconscious.
It’s a balancing act right now.
2 weeks to reprogram your subconscious, of doing or trying to do or think or feel a specific thing.
Being graceful with ourself and the moments where you don’t follow through or even remember to do this. Remembering to take time to love yourself every way.
For experiment I am taking 2 weeks to write this information in full, to see how it changes and evolves in the repetition of reprogramming my own subconscious.
Each section will be what I wrote one day. I may not write each day, and that’s okay. But I strive to write as many days as I have spoons for the next two weeks.
It is my hope to show proof of what I say. As I have experienced this time and time and time again. To get from under to over is many wrungs on the ladders.
Breaking old habits is hard but not impossible. It’s important to remember to try and do the next “right thing”, and that is subjective to you. What do you perceive the “right thing” to be? Is it something you think would benefit and improve your life with harm to known? Either way we follow down our own paths and they lead us where we want to go, even if we don’t realize it at the time. “How did I get here?” CN easily be answered by “I brought myself here”. So where do you want to go? What do you want to see or do? What is the “next right” task you can do towards that idea or goal? It doesn’t have to be big, in-fact starting small is often best. As long as you try, you’ll head that way.
You can always change directions at any time. You are in control. You are the creator, of your own reality after all. Whatever you believe, is true for you. So what do you want to believe?
Take it from a place of no limitations. The sky’s the limit so to speak, but really you can go past the sky if you want. What’s the biggest dream you can dream up?
This is how I was able to break free fully from the chains I wrapped around myself. No limitations, what do I want? No one to talk me no, or that’s weird. No one to create obligations, or try to stop me. To dream a dream so big it would seem impossible. I dare to dream that big, because the impossible is already possible.
I’m an impossible made possible, so I’ve got a good start right there to create the impossible. After that it’s all about taking the next “right thing” in that direction. And slowly I unraveled all of myself and realized most of these knots were strings I didn’t need. Unraveling of a lifetime, one string at a time. To find the core of who you are at the center. Just so you can begin weaving once again, something new, and intentional. Something you want to be, not something you’ve become.
When we set out to redesign ourselves, the task is quite in depth. There’s a lot of up’s and downs to the journey. It’s easier when you have something to work towards, a goal in mind. Because as we unravel we have to see those darker parts of ourselves that are hard to look at. The trauma responses, triggers, feelings, pain of all types, denials, resistances. When we look at our shadows to heal them, we accept them and find away to move on. One day you can hope to have released everything that no longer serves you. And become something brand new, shining like the star that you are.
I’ve found almost all physical pain is related to mental, emotional and spiritual reasons. And an be released like energy. The deeper the pains the more work it’s going to take to release. When I started on my journey to release my chronic pain, the process was it very clear, and often quite painful but I knew the goal was the be pain free. With serious work it took less than 2 years to heal those 18 years of chronic pain. There where moments I had to sit with the pain and allow myself to feel it for what it was, there where times when I was recognizing the trigger or trauma that cause the pain and I had to allow myself to explore those traumas and triggers as they affected my physical body with pain. ASI surrendered to the journey, my body took over, moving in ways that would release the bound of pain energy, stretches and other exercises naturally came up to realign what I imagined was misaligned. The. The spirit guides came into play. I had different energies of beings that came to help me, literally push my body physically to realign. I took several tumbles that came out of no where and each time I felt my body physically realigning with each one. Prior to the tumbles I was afraid of falling because I believed it would make my body worse. In the end, that’s exactly what I needed.
Facing our fears is possibly one of the greatest triumphs that we can achieve. Fear leaves us trapped in our bodies and minds, turning to look it in its eyes changes your perspective and that in turn Changes how you act and react.
If we can change how we act and react with intention of doing the best possible actor thought, we will slowly reprogram ourselves. Once you’ve attempted a habit for 2 weeks it goes on auto pilot, if you continue for another 2 week’s intentionally doing your new habit outside of autopilot, it activates and integrates within you and becomes a part of who you are at a deeper and often core level. Intention is one of the most important things you can attempt in moving through your shadows and ascending in vibration. Intention also pairs with your wants, needs and desires. What is it you are trying achieve? How do you take stapes towards that intentionally. Even if your goal changes later on, having one helps keep focus. The idea of life isn’t about goals, it’s about the journey, but sometimes goals are useful for motivation. I would hope at some point in your evolution you find the inner peace to enjoy the journey more than striving and achieving goals. To find some stillness in self to be able to watch the cloud go by without thinking a million things. It’s an achievable goal, even if it doesn’t seem like it for many. I was there once. It took me many many years to learn how to meditate. And even now I still have to take time before I meditate to intentionally quiet my mind. sometimes It’s not easier either. But it is doable.
My methods for learning to meditate started with a vipasana meditation course. 10 days in silence, gender separation. Living in the forest, vegan meal prepared for you, with some minor fasting. Vipasana isn’t for everyone and I don’t believe everything they teach. But it was a means to get me to where I am today, and at the time I didn’t know it. My whole life has been set up to get me to this moment where I can share with you want I have experienced and learned from my experiences, in hopes that it may help you in someway.
It is at this point in my experiment of two weeks writing on this as often as I can, that I feel that will continue writing on this topic well after the two weeks are up in 4 days. I may even write something much more expansive on these topics. I’m excited to see how this journey of writing pans out throughout my life. I use to want to be a writer when I was kid, and then due to circumstances I trauma dumped the idea and clung to drawing for dear life. It’s time to get back into an authentic passion, not one based off of trans. I love drawing and don’t think I’ll ever stop, however I’ve learned about myself, that drawing became a trama response for me and that’s why it’s stuck so intensely to me. I love it dearly and enjoy it even after I made that realization in my healing journey, but I definitely took a long break from it to decide if that’s what I truly wanted to do. What I want to do is a lot of things. I’m multi passionate and I just want to do all the things that come into my passion. I require the abundance to support me in making the world a better place through my passions, because I am passionate about the world.
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